Thursday, April 8, 2010

pie assault in the 1st degree

over the years i've seen a lot go down. Fights, drunks, and general mayhem have characterized many of my nights at work. But every once in a while something new comes along...

one evening an older woman pulled her SUV up along side the restaurant, completely ignoring the ample parking lot, and came in and placed a to go order at the bar. While she waited on it she had a Heinekin and talked at the bartender. She was one of those dreaded customers known as "Talkers", a group generally made up of older customers that won't stop talking to you no matter how busy you are and how much the other customers are evil eyeing you 'cause they all need stuff. Personally i just start slowing backing away, nodding my head and "uh huh"ing until i'm far enough from the table to bolt. In this case the bartender escaped via ringing phone. Deprived of her audience, To Go Order Lady turned on her bar stool and started talking at a table of three men behind her. Time goes by...the to go order is brought out to her, her credit card run and the slip placed in front of her with a pen so she could sign. The three men finished their entrees and moved on to pie. To Go Order Lady kept talking at the men, who had politely been trying to blow her off the entire time. Finally one of them asked her to leave them alone, two of them were from out of town and they hadn't seen each other in awhile and were trying to catch up.

To Go Order Lady snaps! She grabbed the pen off the bar, jumped up from her seat and started stabbing the man's peanut butter pie repeatedly, all Norman Bates style. The GM came racing from across the room to escort her out while she cussed at everyone who had "done her wrong". She took off in her SUV squealing her tires, all the customers in the front of the restaurant craning their necks to watch. Later she called the store to complain about her treatment, saying she felt "threatened".


  1. Holy shit! She should be committed.

  2. we kept the pie full of pen holes in the walk in for a few days, we all referred to it as "Exhibit A". "Where's the cole slaw mix at?" "Oh, it's behind Exhibit A".

  3. purplegirl said she should be committed. The woman probably had been! Words like "I felt threatened" are such p.c.-speak you know that a psychiatrist has been involved somewhere along the way.

    I'd hazard a guess that the woman in question was on some heavy meds. All it took was the Heineken to activate a horrible chemical reaction in her brain.

    I bartend in an area that's full of over-medicated people. It's really, really hard sometimes to divine whether these people are just plain weird, or on Haldol.

    I did have one of these characters stab another individual's hat with a butter knife, once. But your stabbed ("Exhibit A") pie -- takes the cake (pardon the pun).